Gnomeister. At times, I think we all wish were garden gnomes. We could easily get away with observing and staring at whatever crosses our path with nonexistant to minor consequences. This my friends is myself as a garden gnome. The observations I made while in this state were quite astounding. The front yard of a home is much more critical to the bigger picture than we might think. Unfortunately, I was a garden gnome in a lawn neglected, uncared for, and downright trashy. Those who walked by on their daily jogs or walking of the dog stared at the lawn in utter abhorrence. Those people probably made the assumption that the people inside the house were trashy and careless. In fact, they DID make those assumptions. As a garden gnome, I heard everything they had to say and they had no knowing that I did. “This yard is disgusting, probably a bunch of lazy pigs living in that house,” stated one middle aged white woman sporting a sports bra and spandex workout shorts which were much too short and delved deeply into her abnormally deep buttcrack. This tenure as a garden gnome revealed much more than how a front lawn reflects those living inside the house behind it. In fact, this isn’t about front lawns at all, it’s about appearance and how people are quick to judge a book by its cover. Who knows, maybe that dirty hobo who smells of cottage cheese and looks like a vanilla wafer that was rubbed across the floor of the local high school isn’t actually a dirty hobo… maybe he’s a businessman or CEO trying to make a statement. I’m just kidding. If you’re dirty, GTFO, nobody wants you around, you “I’m too lazy to shower” lazy bum you. Dirtiness is a sign of negligence, and negligence with one’s personal hygiene is a sign of someone who lacks self-respect and the common courtesy to wash their body so we don’t have to look at them with repugnance and smell them while they stand next to us. Wash yourselves, dirty knaives!